243 days later.

23rd July 2025

Dear Manan,

It’s been 8 months since I lost you, now we are in the treacherous waters where I have remembered you for longer than I have known you. It’s been an agonious 8 months, it’s been an ecstatic 8 months, I have mourned and loved and celebrated and incinerated and found myself all at the same time.

I believe I have become unrecognizable. Most of my acquired beliefs have been shed leaving behind only what I think matters the most. I have corroded into a precious metal that shines, but faintly.

(I can see the Yutika I laid to rest with you sometimes. She comes in whispers and giggles and tears; just like you, Manan. Both of your spirits live inside me. I am a cemetery.

I should have gone to see the F1 movie, as I held my co-worker’s iPhone and watched the trailer with those fancy effects – imagining that it was your phone. I knew you would have loved it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and it didn’t sit well with me to watch it with someone else. It's still a thorn in my heart, I’m sorry)

I still hide a lot of anger inside me, Manan. I don’t think you will be happy about that. But don't blame me, this universe has continued to insult me throughout the years. When I have successfully passed one test, it holds my face with its pretty hands and smashes me into mud again.

They tell me pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. They tell me one cannot exist without another. They tell me, “Hey! You have suffered so much at a young age, your future will be brighter”

I have never believed them, Manan. Most of it feels like a hoax. Most of them have never welcomed suffering like I did and luckily, they never will. And despite my rage, I hope they don’t. With no place to go, my anger festers inside me like stubborn leeches. I try to burn them off one by one. I guess I’m getting exhausted and they might leave me alone eventually.

It’s been 8 months now, Manan, and every time someone asks me, “How are you?” I can tell them, “I’m good” without the white elephant trampling on my heart but, it still makes me feel like I’m a liar and it makes me feel guilty and it makes me feel like I should be curled up in bed with a blanket over my head and never step outside ever again. How could you be happy? How dare you be happy?

I manage to defeat those voices every now and then. I continue to meet wonderful people. I continue to have these mundane experiences that seem more incredible now:

I went to many concerts, I listened to new songs, I finally got the hang of playing Jo Bhi Main, I tried new food, I read more books, I went to the beach and it rained, all these new core memories remind me that maybe all of the pain is worth it, maybe. Just maybe… I really don’t know how I do it, Manan. I scare myself all the time. I sit and think about myself and I don’t feel real. I feel like I’m just living through a book or a movie or maybe, I’m fake. How can a human undergo such suffering and still exist? I must be fake. During spirals like this, I get so anxious and the one solution is to touch my tattoo and try to ground myself like a faulty battery.

Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean you can’t live through it. I hear your voice urging me to drink water and that’s what I do.

It’s been 8 months, Manan, and I have become a braver person in general. I look strangers in the eye when I talk to them. I am not hesitant to do things alone. I tell people “No” and I don’t feel as bad as I used to. And I quit my job, something I used to tell you all the time, I have finally decided to step outside my comfort zone for my passion, let the path lead me where I really am meant to be. I don't want to wish my life away. Not when you taught me how precious it is.

My definition of greatness has changed, Manan. It’s no longer a NYT bestseller or a large house or a BMW car or a mom of 3 cats. Greatness is a feeling and I have already attained it. Along with you, my materialistic illusion of success has faded. I was building a castle and then I realized, hey, I don’t want a castle. I just want a simple cottage by a lake. I have discovered I am a simple girl and my religion continues to be love.

Manan, the first thought that pops into my head when I write the last paragraph is that the universe has successfully tamed me. But, maybe I went on this journey, only to discover there’s no better place than home.

Well of course, there’s still a Yutika who wants to achieve everything and become something, but, I’m no stranger to funerals and disappointments. I think we will be fine in the long run.

Would I have come to this realization if I hadn’t met you? Would I have come to this conclusion if I hadn’t loved you? Would I have re-defined my greatness if I hadn’t lost you? Where would I be if you were still here to love me?

These are questions and 8 months aren’t suffice to attempt to answer them, maybe a lifetime isn’t either. But for now, it’s raining outside, my keyboard sings and the future beckons me and I can still hear your voice. This is enough.

I love you, Manan Seth.

Wherever you are, I hope it’s peaceful.

Your Andromeda.

His favourite picture of us