Am I Allowed To Exist?

5th November 2024

I don’t think I have ever written a personal essay before, which really comes to show that we live in truly desperate times.

As a 21 year old woman living with her mother in Chennai city, a commonly running theme in my life (and if you had the ‘misfortune’ of being born a woman like me, you would relate), is the huge mammoth-sized topic of marriage.

“Psst” — I can already hear the snickering of men echoing from the corners of the internet. Marriage is a part of life and everyone must have a companion. It is the societal norm. The foundation of relationships.

But, it is a noticeable outlier for women, who have been essentially prepped and groomed and broken to fit in this mold of a person who will eventually live in a third person’s home.

I cannot remember the exact origin - which is sad because I hold memories right from the age of 5 - when I was exposed to this concept, but as long as I can remember there was this air of distance between me and my home.

From daily references “When you go live in your own home” – referencing to your husband’s place, “Do this better” – to be accepted by your in-laws, from words to steps to clothes to curfews, everything has been engraved in stones almost to 'protect' dignity of a woman - to ensure she gets married into a reputed home and gets another last name and is no longer associated or a ‘burden’ to the family or parents she was born in.

At the age of 21, I am under the constant pressure to get married before the age 24 - which I do not agree with. I have already been given the label of a burden - explicitly this time and not just an indirect reference.

Mind you, I finished my UG at the ripe age of 19 and I have been working ever since - 2.5 years almost. I don't mean to boast about my achievements. But, I have significantly contributed to the financial growth of my household as well as invested in various aspects as much as I have learnt.

I have bought my first ever phone and laptop with my own money that I wasn’t able to enjoy until I received kindness from my other family members. I also got amenities that my mother outright denied to purchase with the statement, “I will buy it for you when you get married. You can take it with you to your home”

So, is this not my home?

I found myself getting angered and triggered. Of a burden in spite of my own sacrifices — I had given up wanting to go for masters which would have been another financial blow to our already empty wallets and trying my best to just be invisible and live my life. I was enraged. Rightfully.

When a man has an ambition or passion, he is actively encouraged to pursue it. He has all the support from his family and relatives to just go for it. He is young and talented and is a great investment.

But, a woman like me on the other hand, no matter how much she contributes to the welfare of her household, marriage will always be the greatest achievement of her life. Without it, she is incomplete. She will be a burden to her household. She must marry.

Marriage might be a part of life for men. But, marriage is a necessity for a woman. She must take on that responsibility. For what else will she do with her life? Live carefree? Travel? Adopt cats? God forbid, she just exists in peace and her own space? How dare she?

I have my dreams. I have my passions. And I'm completely aware that my particular passion needs time to bloom. To become an author, I need time and a lot of skills which I am in the process of developing. However, no matter how deep my passion seems, it will be on the back burner, if it is in the kitchen at all.

After a frustrating fortnight, I found myself thinking hard about what I should do next, should I finally go for my masters, should I shift my job to another city, should I cultivate another passion that will demand all my time and energy, just to find a reason, just to escape the looming hand of control over me.

And I realized the pity of it. The sadness of it. I was looking for a reason, so I can exist in peace by myself and not get constrained by marriage.

To take on another responsibility of my own choice to escape the one that was about to be put on me.

If I just want to stay at my job, earn what I can, buy what I want and eat what I want, just learn to finally live and live for myself, shouldn’t I be allowed that right? To do it in peace without any pressure or external expectations? So much rage consumes me everyday.

If I want to go to a bakery tomorrow after office and eat cheesecake, I should be able to do that without needing to explain it to a third person, even if that includes my mother.

My life is worth more than a ring on my left finger and an infant in my right arm.

My life is what I decide it to be. I'm not against the concept of marriage, but even ice cream becomes poison if it’s force fed to you every day.

Let us exist. Let us be at peace. Let us make our own decisions. That’s all most of us ever ask for.

Though, the question remains.

When will this world let a woman exist without expectations or explanations or obligations?

Endnote:

Taylor Swift was right.

"If I was a man, then I'd be the man."

A year ago - November 2023 - Is that when my rebellious teenager woke up?