"Because you have to be there"

5th May 2024 | 08:23 AM | Home

Over the past month, a day has been very special to me. I have been meaning to write about it, but in the flow of this river called life, I'm but a small clover. Better late than never.

13th April 2024 | 2nd Saturday | VGP 

A friend of mine (Let's call him C) had texted me a few days ago, and he wanted me to come to an event they were hosting. It was on a 2nd Saturday (my day off), and I agreed. Mostly because it had been a while since I saw him and his family. 

So, here's the thing. 

C has an amazing family. The sweetest mother, the prettiest sister, and the bold father (who looks tough, but he really is a soft person). There is also his elder sister (not by blood, but something stronger than that) and her cute kids. She is someone I look up to a lot. Perhaps she represents the life I could live one day in the future. I don't believe anyone could exactly understand the things I have been through, but if anyone comes closest to that, it's her. She gives me hope. Maybe it isn't over yet. 

And these people, they sort of adopted me in a metaphorical sense. They mean quite a lot to me, more than I manage to express. Healthy and loving families have always stirred up a longing inside of me. They have always represented something unattainable. And his family's dynamics... I adore them. I admire them. I respect them. I am envious of them (a little) and I absolutely love them. 

So, I woke up at 5:30 am, caught this auto, and waited for his sister's friend (We'll call him S) to pick me and the other volunteers up, he's another sweet boy with more cute siblings. (Gah, I have only seen these characters in movies)

A couple of wrong turns, a serious discussion about how cute Malayali boys are, some playlist skips and snacks later, we reach the venue, and god, isn't it beautiful? Not the venue, but the journey itself. The conversations, the soundtrack, the morning. It's kinda rare for me to decide my day is good by 8 am, but I did. This day was going to be awesome and it was. 

The event went well as it is always meant to go. Their faith in God is another thing that I extol over. I don't understand it, but I don't have to understand something to know that it's powerful. Their faith doesn't make me flinch even once. I might debate the existence of God, but one thing I will never debate on is their love and devotion. 

Throughout the day, I had some very special moments with C and his family. Exchanging the hugs. The bickering and jokes. Wrapping the gifts. Fiddling with the coin. Trying to control the overenergetic girl while my wavelength matched with her brother. (Apple, it should be "5% charging", not "charged". Please learn English and present tense)

Walking towards the restaurant. The sun was burning, but I couldn't be any happier. I tried to guess the prices of a sunglass and a watch and for a moment, I left my life and thoughts behind. I was there. I held his mother's hand in mine over the table and my tears threatened to fall out. I don't know if his father had noticed it, yet he got me up and walked around the restaurant with me. 

I have a quite difficult relationship with food, but I realized I always eat better with his family. Maybe it's their presence. Maybe it's their blessings and I get the privilege to share it for a while.

Post lunch, the event continued with more fun and I admired them all from the sidelines. I had gotten a little better at socializing and those planks worked. My spine wasn't hurting as bad as it was during Comic Con and I allowed myself to take a little pride in it.

But, the memory I will forever cherish in my whole life came that evening. After the event was over, we decided to go to the beach for a bit. We gathered ourselves and started to walk to the shore when his father looked around and asked, "Where's Yutika?"

I chimed in from the side, "I'm here only, Uncle."

"Yeah, you must come to the beach with us."

"Why? Because I will get mad at you guys if you went without me?", I laugh.

"It's not that you will get mad or anything. It's because I want you there. You have to be there."

Words will fail if I try to describe the emotions that ran through me then. The happiness. The sadness. The belongingness. The love. The sheer love I felt. It was a moment I truly felt loved. Like I belong here. I was wanted here. And it wasn't because of anything. But just so. It was my existence. It was me. Those mundane words. You have to be there.

<A mini-breakdown of tears later>

Healing is a nonlinear journey, but that sentence. Let me tell you. It was one step forward in a direction, I would never be able to go back again. A part of me believes the universe has done me wrong. It doesn't like me. It never will. But, some people and moments in my life convince me otherwise. C and his family are one core part of it. Might I daresay, do I have the privilege, do I have the liberty, to call them mine too? At least in some form? 

<I broke down again lol>

Haan. So. I guess I know now that it wasn't that life got busy for me to write this blog. I wasn't ready to face the emotions. The rollercoaster that would come with this. It takes a lot of guts to process the memories. Especially strong and positive ones like this. Nobody really talks about how if you have had a rough life with no one to depend on or no one to protect you, then suddenly you find a support system or someone you to call yours, it comes with a lot of pain. Because your mind is so used to the abuse, neglect, and the feeling of being unwanted, that one day, when it's proven wrong. That it's finally shown that no, you are loved. People love you. People care about you. You don't have to be alone. You have people. You. Have. People. 

It's an incredible feeling. It's a painful feeling. It makes me feel alive like I'm truly living. I am loved, not because of what I can do for others, but just because I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. 

The evening sky rolls in and I exchange my goodbyes. As usual, my curfew time has gone by, but I breathe in and out. It will be okay. Be in the present. 

I give a lingering hug to everyone. C already has a plan in his mind about where we can meet again. His upcoming show. I give him my word to be there. Where else would I rather be without supporting him from the front row?

I hopped back into the car and the ride back still had so much fun left in it even though I was sitting on the edge in the most uncomfortable position known to mankind. We drove looking for a petrol bunk, the pressure, the tension, the joy. The fight for the playlist, my mind going haywire again without the soothing presence of my family (CURFEW CURFEW), the petrol bunk that is never there when we need it the most. 

There's so much confusion over Google Maps and what route are we supposed to take. We are stuck at a traffic light when a lady with cleaning supplies washes the windshield. There were 6 of us in the car and we were hunting for a Rs.10 coin. The lady glared at us and more minutes trickled down and we ended up giving her Rs.20 instead. Waiting charges.

So, we missed the lights twice and there was a bike with three people on it, who hit the right-view mirror. And this guy. S. He rolls down the window and says,

"Bye-bye. Go safe."

I told you before and I will say it again. I have only seen these types of people in the movies. Once we have dropped everyone, I bring out the big guns, change the music, and drill the poor kid with questions about gods, science, and the universe. But, time was too short to discuss the logistics of religion even if I made him drop me at the doorstep on my ghostly street with rabid dogs that's too narrow for a U-turn. I'm sure that kid would hesitate to drop me off again 🤣 (I'm just kidding, but it's the Yutika Effect)

That night I lay awake and tired. I stared at my ceiling and soaked in the memories. I felt complete. It was the first time in a long time, I felt full. (Not because of dinner) But, that's the thing about happiness that comes without any transactions and expectations. It just happens. I experienced a found family trope in real life. 

Maybe life was worth it, you know? In the hugs I gave people, in the silence of questions left unanswered and answers that don't have a question, the chicken 65 I had for lunch that day, the boot shoes that hurt my feet only 2 days later, the sand I carried in between my toes that day, and the hibiscus in my hair. Tiny things accumulated and sculptured my life. 

Till the next time,

Yutika.