Your unemployed friend on a Monday Morning

18th August 2025

I woke up around 4am in the morning. 

Why? 

One word. Anxiety.

I don’t shun it away as much these days, I try to welcome it like an annoying visitor who you have to pretend-nice to. 

But, it’s an up-hill battle. 

Like Sisyphus rolls his rock, I hold my breath. 

4 seconds. 

In. Hold. Out. Hold.

Apparently breathing exercises don’t work very well on me, so I get even more triggered and a flow of thoughts flood my mind and my body activates itself to fight or flight mode. 

WHERE’S THE TIGER?, screams my primitive system.

Bro, I don’t know if they told you, but tigers are actually endangered these days, my rational mind trying to solve things only manages to add sprinkles of sadness to the cupcake of anxiety.

I know the secret. I have read enough books to know that the only way past it is through. You have to sit in silence and observe thoughts without judgement and hint of curiosity and hmmmmm your way out of the anxiety. 

But, it’s easier said than done when your body is ready to kill the non-existent tiger. (or runaway, you do you)

An accurate description of me dealing with my anxiety is, AHHHHH I AM DROWNING— wait, I know how to swim. NVM I’M STILL DROWNING AHHHHHHH

It took me 2 hours of sitting on my bed, I fought off the urge to grab my phone and text someone (not like anyone would be awake), I let my cat in who purred on my lap and fell asleep, I took out my notebook— I read an anxiety book a year ago and I had written down points, I went through it again and planned to re-read the book to see if I can get another perspective later, I took out my journal and scribbled my thoughts and drank water.

Throughout all of this, my mind was wandering to all different places (I also planned a birthday gift idea for Manan, it’s 9 days away. I’m really looking forward to it! It’s going to be depressing, but we will make the best out of it) and anxiety was sitting on the throne of my heart. 

Turtle did help a bit, I was like wow, this teddy bear creature is alive and she has a beating heart and she is purring and wow she loves me and then, of course, my mind (rational part) clicked in— hey, she is going to die one day and shatter your heart, so let’s prepare ourselves now. I’m such a fun person, I know. And as sad as it sounds I feel this way towards everyone including myself. Death is always on my mind. The only difference is that the way I looked at it changed as a teenager and as an adult. 

But, eventually, I managed to do it. Yay. We live to roll another stone. At this point, it was 5:50am and I pulled the curtains to discover that oh, look. The outside world is still there. 

I finally got the desire to listen to music. So, I grabbed my phone and earbuds and went to my terrace. I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was drizzling. (I was surprised that I was pleasantly surprised— I was never someone who was very fond of the rain due to past housing situations, but at every significant point of my life, it rained. Topic for another blog…)

It was cold but I was fresh out of adrenaline, it was manageable for me. I removed my slippers and stood barefoot. The cold ground, the water, the algae, the dirt, the stones. I let the ‘energy’ of the environment soak through me. I touched the leaves of the neem tree and I spied the birds who fluttered through the sky. (envious ippo, admiration appo)

“FLY LITTLE BIRD, FLY LITTLE CROW, FLY DRAGONFLY. FLY ENORMOUS COMMERCIAL AIRPLANE”

The words left me before I could stop them, yeah, I’m a popular neighbour. Lucky it was the sweet hour where people are just beginning to stir into reality and no sane person would come to the terrace in this weather, which is to say, it’s okay if I’m not sane, I love it.

I played the classic songs that reconnect me to reality. Kun Faya Kun, top of the list. I don’t believe in god, but I believe in the devotion of the humans and their ability to create such magical art from their devotion.

(Random tangent, in the first part of 2025, I was sitting on the table on my terrace– it was night and I was listening to Kun Faya Kun back then too. A profound feeling washed over me; I have been someone who is scared to be alone(?) emotionally and being without Manan was a terrible experience, I was going through the motions basically. But, that moment, something clicked into place as I was talking to myself, Hey… this isn’t so bad. Is this what you are so afraid of? Being alone? Being without love? We are happy. We are listening to ARR. We are surrounded by trees and sleeping birds. We are happy, Yutika. This is okay. Something changed that day, yes. I will forever be grateful for that moment)

Midway I realized that this is my way of “touching grass” and I love it.

I did mini-dances and kicked air and whenever my mind strayed into the past or future, I became a bit more aware and I pulled it gently to stay with me and focus on the music. I got the idea to write this blog (UNEMPLOYMENT RIZZ)

Eventually, I reached a place where my body calmed down and my mind dripped of fatigue. You will be surprised to know how much physical energy thinking requires. That’s why you need to tire out the body to shut down your mind. YOU RILE ME UP, I TIRE YOU UP. UNO REVERSE BITCHES. 

Eventually I came back, washed my feet (HYGIENE) and settled in bed, grabbed my laptop, wrote the blog and now, I’m on my way back to dreamland BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A JOB, LET’S GO?! 

7:20am

Good night world,

Yutika…

I’M STARVING AND I’M CRAVING BREAD AND JAM AND I HAVE NO BREAD OR JAM ILL CRI TT TT TT 

PS: Caption- Me and my lover, holding hands with neem tree, because we both have A-N-X-I-E-T-Y.

(In another universe, I'm Lil Yuti, a rapper)